Mi Amor?

I wasn't expecting this way when I decided to be in this relationship. Everyone knows that I'm a very sentimental, emotional and physical person and I did expect that all my partners will be the same like me but this time, he's different.

I have to admit that I had difficulties at the beginning because in a relationship, I always wanted to be the center of attention, from my partner. Every small little thing means everything to me. My level of sensitiveness can be so high that a slight changes of a routine can make me paranoid. I hate this. I seriously hate to have doubts on someone that I love and what made it worse was when I was punishing him for the mistake of others, my previous partners to be exact.

Maybe I was just protecting myself but the way it was going, I almost lost control of it. I tried to find faults because I just couldn't believed that good things do happen to me sometimes. I felt that it was just too good to be true. And the rumours I heard about how he has a lot of female friends just scared me away. I had enough of having to worry about what if he's with other woman. For years I was suffering from this by believing wholehearterdly my ex boyfriend that he was true to me and my love but at the end, I was the real fool.

I don't know if he realized that I felt insecure in this relationship. All these while I felt secured with others based on the words they said to me, well rather like those stupid little words that always make women overwhelmed. I was under pressure for a while because the most he said to me is: miss you. That's all. And as a woman, at least at this age, it wasn't good enough. I wanted to hear that 3 letter words and it was never heard until one day I said it first and he replied the same thing. I was jumping with joy but that was the last time I heard it from him.

It was kind of a dissapointing when he didn't even say it on my birthday. I began to question his heart, his intention and perhaps there was another girl! but he waited at midnight to send his birthday wish and he was the first person to do so! he sent few birthday wishes to my phone, 2 birthday wishes to my facebook email and morning birthday wishes and through out the day until it was 15/12 midnight. And not forgetting I didn't have a good day that day and was been swearing and let it out on him and all he did was calming me down, not even scolded me or critisized me at all! He just let me screamed and complained and yelled and talked and talked....and he still talked to me until my birthday was over and he still sent me birthday wish before he slept.

What the fuck I was doing? what the hell I want?? what was I searching for? why did I do this to him? what was wrong with me? what was I acting like a child?

I cried the whole way back home after my friends celebrated my birthday in RP. I can't stopped thinking about how childish I was. I embarrased myself in front of the only man in my life now. I had doubts about him and all I did was accusing him having doubts about me! and when I reached home, I sent it a message that I was at home already and he was awake waiting for me to come home though we are thousand miles away!!!!!!

The whole night I didn't sleep. It was like I received a 'wahyu' from God showing me what kind of man he is that I overlooked. I realized that the only person that is true to themselves in this relationship is him, not me. He is being himself and he knows who he is.

He doesn't show his feelings openly and that's him. Eventhough he looks cold without emotion, he has the softest heart that I ever seen in any of my partners previously. He prefer to control over his emotions and displays composed manners, realistic actions and if you look deeper, he is charming and funny and sponteneous.

He provides me with a roof in a storm as well as keeping me warm on a freezing winter night, his way.

I begin to realize also that he won't sing for me but he is romantic at heart by the few things he did for me. He doesn't care what people think of him as long as I know what he feels for me, it's good enough for him.

I tried to adjust the situation and controlling my emotion and sensitiveness since then and I realized there's changes and I feel calm and at peace. Perhaps I've found the right way to love him and honoring my feelings too.

This is wonderful and yeah, he doesn't say he loves me the second time but he does make me feel loved all the time.. :)

Little Dee

My very good friend just gave birth two days ago. All my friends have at least a kid and one of them actually has 7 kids!

It makes me think about what Dr. Delila, my gyneacologist told me a year and the half ago that I have zero chance to have my own babies. Some stupid eggs just refused to be functioned. I was on hormon pills after the operation and she said I was a perfect woman but just weeks after she broke the news that I'm in fertile.

So I'm not perfect. I've learned to accept that facts but when I heard about my friend's delivery, something came to my mind. I really need to find alternative ways to cure this problem because I am so so much wanting to have my little ones. Someone that looks just like me.

I got few people trying to help me to find the medication for this and I used to push them away but this time I think I seriously need to give it a try. I need to have my little Dee, at least for once.

I'm going for 'berurut' next weekend and I'm not gonna stop until I am confident that I am destined to be childless.

Pray for me, please.

Being 'Dumped'

I got back from Jakarta on last Saturday and it was planned that we will meet again on the 10th. Which supposed to be like 6 days away but yesterday I received a phone called from him telling me that he can't make it due to a very important meeting he has to attend on Monday...and my birthday will be on Tuesday.

I'm not sure of how I feel but certainly I do feel very dissapointed. I've planned every single thing from the first day he arrives to the last day before he flies home.

I know very well this meeting means everything to him. He has been working on it for months and this will determine his future career and his future life/

I am sad. I can't hide it. I really can't hide it. Last year I celebrated it with close friends after being dumped and was hoping this year will be different. I don't want a big party or a party for that matter. I just need his presence.

I am trying hard to be understanding and supportive towards him. I'm his biggest fan and always support him in everything but I must admit this time around I am so so so sad that it turns out to be this way.

This is what I hate when being in love. You have expectation and you can easily get sensitive over things unneccessarily. My good friend Ena told me that I'm being over sensitive about this and perhaps she's right but what she doesn't know is that I need him more than I ever needed anyone else.

Have a great birthday D.

Only God Knows

Once a wise man that closed to my heart used to say that "hanya Allah yang tahu apa yang terbaik untuk kita". Translated as 'only Allah knows what is best for us'.

No one can argue with this statement because if you strongly believe in the presence and the power of the Almighty, you know it is true.

This is what I'm afraid of. I don't mean to question the facts but somehow I know I will go through a rough route again if it's not meant to be and it will take a longer time this time around to cure.

This is what I'm scared of everything I fall in love. I don't have the confidence in me to think that I do deserved to be loved, romantically by someone.

The experiences I went through had nearly killed me and I tried every possible ways not to let the heart sings again but I'm too weak.

Another friend used to advice me that if I can't take the risk and couldn't go through another heartache I should shut myself down, lock the heart tightly and never let anyone in. This is not an act of a selfish person but a way to save my life.

It's funny when I will tend to have a weird behavior everytime someone is too nice to me. I don't feel comfortable and I don't have the confidence that it will last. I try to find faults. I try to find means and ways to piss that someone in order to prove to me that all men are the same. They are good at the beginning and starts to show the true colors when they got you.

My boyfriend had so far proved to me that I was wrong of thinking all men are the same and I started to believe in that until one day I saw something that made me knocked myself on the wall for being so stupid to fall to men's words again.

Those happy moments I saw with my own eyes could not be erased from my mind for the rest of my life. I know I will never be the best but it's too late to back off because I love him with all my heart.

Only God knows what best for me and him.

Waiting

I hate waiting and my heart beats so fast! wtf!

Not another heartache please. Gosh I've been pampered too much all these while.

:(

Love Actually

I was told to watch this movie years ago but I never really watched it because the title alone scares me. But late afternoon yesterday while I was cleaning my desktop in the office suddenly I found this movie and somehow I had that strong urged to watch it and man I should have watched it years ago!

Folks, if you haven't watched it, please do so and preferably watch it alone so that you will understand the whole meaning of love and what people would do to feel love and it often comes in a way you never ever could imagined.

There's one particular statement that I would love to re-quote in this movie and it says:


"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there – fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge – they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around."

Yes, love is actually all around :)
Cheers!


p/s: please do watch this movie.

Believe Me

Do you realize that sometimes the things that came to you were the things you once prayed before once upon a time? I realized that lately. It is almost frightening. It was like everything you wished for were slowly been granted by the special Force.

Lord knows I've been through the worst hell ever created on earth. The tears that fell from my eyes were just enough to fill up a lake. The pain in the heart that was hurt for so many time were just something that no words can definied it clearly. But He also grants me the most powerful weapon ever invented - Patience.

Sometimes I wonder how the hell I ever gone this far? am I not human at all that I can swallowed all these all these years? but you know what? it's worth it. :)

There are so many changes in my life currently. The process was painful and sometimes I almost given up but I think the streght I have is from my parents's prayers day and night for me and I managed to go through it.

When I am in new path now then I realized it wasn't that hard actually. The first step will always be the hardest but if you have the guts to take it, the rest of the road is all yours. It's gonna be winding but it's a worth journey to travel in.

Now slowly I can see things clearly. I saw the view of the once a wished. I can't believe my eyes, my mind but yes it is coming through. One by one. It's like watching a Back To The Future series.

I sat down one night in the room while having my cigaratte and suddenly I had the goosebumps all over my body. I was thinking about the whole changes in me and when this particular image appeared on my mind, I almost fainted because gosh it was exactly as I wanted from day 1.

I started to open my eyes wider and watching every step of the way every single day. was still closing the most sensitive organ in my body and pushing away all the possibilities that could finally make me the happiest woman alive because I was just too scared that it is happening and I can't believe it IS HAPPENING TO ME!! TO ME!

I lost it. There's no other energy or force that is greater than PRAYERS.

and folks, u GOT TO BELIEVE ME!