Mi Amor?

I wasn't expecting this way when I decided to be in this relationship. Everyone knows that I'm a very sentimental, emotional and physical person and I did expect that all my partners will be the same like me but this time, he's different.

I have to admit that I had difficulties at the beginning because in a relationship, I always wanted to be the center of attention, from my partner. Every small little thing means everything to me. My level of sensitiveness can be so high that a slight changes of a routine can make me paranoid. I hate this. I seriously hate to have doubts on someone that I love and what made it worse was when I was punishing him for the mistake of others, my previous partners to be exact.

Maybe I was just protecting myself but the way it was going, I almost lost control of it. I tried to find faults because I just couldn't believed that good things do happen to me sometimes. I felt that it was just too good to be true. And the rumours I heard about how he has a lot of female friends just scared me away. I had enough of having to worry about what if he's with other woman. For years I was suffering from this by believing wholehearterdly my ex boyfriend that he was true to me and my love but at the end, I was the real fool.

I don't know if he realized that I felt insecure in this relationship. All these while I felt secured with others based on the words they said to me, well rather like those stupid little words that always make women overwhelmed. I was under pressure for a while because the most he said to me is: miss you. That's all. And as a woman, at least at this age, it wasn't good enough. I wanted to hear that 3 letter words and it was never heard until one day I said it first and he replied the same thing. I was jumping with joy but that was the last time I heard it from him.

It was kind of a dissapointing when he didn't even say it on my birthday. I began to question his heart, his intention and perhaps there was another girl! but he waited at midnight to send his birthday wish and he was the first person to do so! he sent few birthday wishes to my phone, 2 birthday wishes to my facebook email and morning birthday wishes and through out the day until it was 15/12 midnight. And not forgetting I didn't have a good day that day and was been swearing and let it out on him and all he did was calming me down, not even scolded me or critisized me at all! He just let me screamed and complained and yelled and talked and talked....and he still talked to me until my birthday was over and he still sent me birthday wish before he slept.

What the fuck I was doing? what the hell I want?? what was I searching for? why did I do this to him? what was wrong with me? what was I acting like a child?

I cried the whole way back home after my friends celebrated my birthday in RP. I can't stopped thinking about how childish I was. I embarrased myself in front of the only man in my life now. I had doubts about him and all I did was accusing him having doubts about me! and when I reached home, I sent it a message that I was at home already and he was awake waiting for me to come home though we are thousand miles away!!!!!!

The whole night I didn't sleep. It was like I received a 'wahyu' from God showing me what kind of man he is that I overlooked. I realized that the only person that is true to themselves in this relationship is him, not me. He is being himself and he knows who he is.

He doesn't show his feelings openly and that's him. Eventhough he looks cold without emotion, he has the softest heart that I ever seen in any of my partners previously. He prefer to control over his emotions and displays composed manners, realistic actions and if you look deeper, he is charming and funny and sponteneous.

He provides me with a roof in a storm as well as keeping me warm on a freezing winter night, his way.

I begin to realize also that he won't sing for me but he is romantic at heart by the few things he did for me. He doesn't care what people think of him as long as I know what he feels for me, it's good enough for him.

I tried to adjust the situation and controlling my emotion and sensitiveness since then and I realized there's changes and I feel calm and at peace. Perhaps I've found the right way to love him and honoring my feelings too.

This is wonderful and yeah, he doesn't say he loves me the second time but he does make me feel loved all the time.. :)