My Sister's Birthday

26.06.2009 - my sister joined the 30 something group OFFICIALLY!

She had a date, Chris. An Australian working in Damansara whom she met through facebook few months back. Four of us, Chris and my sister, me and my partner, we went to Bar-Celona in Sunway for dinner. It was the first time my sister went out on date after 6 fucking months she broke up with the bastard Pakistani that ruined her life!

We were joined by my very good friend Cindy and her husband Captain Ho, whom paid all the bills that night, my high school friend Fadz and her husband abang Gee. Brad and Mimi, both my good friends too. 10 of us and it was fun. This time around everyone had their partners.


My sister and Chris took the birthday dance to the tune of Bryan Adam's Heaven, which were so romantic and we kept silenced while watching them danced. You see, my sister went through hell with her last boyfriend and those came to the celebration that night were my good friends that were there for her and that night to see her dancing with a new guy brought new hopes for us. At least we saw that she was no longer sitting looking like someone whom had just lost a husband or something.

All ended well. She was happy.
Happy Birthday Myrna. Love you always.

So Long MJ

Micheal Jackson is dead.

I'm still mourning over the lost. What's going on? Gosh he's dead!

My siblings and I had the privilage to watch him live on stage while he performed his first ever concert in Malaysia. I still can recall the excitement and the nervousness while waiting for him to perform. We argued that MJ was looking at one of us! lol.

Music has lost its melody today. The Moonwalker will never walk again. The Criminal will never be Smooth as before. No one can Beat It. Ben has lost its' master. Billie Jeans will regret it for the rest of her life. We Are The World, it doesn't matter if we are Black or White.

That's how The Way You Make Me Feel MJ.

Farewell my King.
Al-Fatihah.

Ready To Take Off

I read the Berita Harian today and saw an interesting article about this Malay girl who flies. No she was not born having wings but she earned it! She's our first ever Malay woman pilot and only 23!

She reminds me of my brother Bob. Bob always wanted to fly planes. But we can't afford to send him to the flying school. Few years back he managed to borrow some money from a spiritual group he joined and they supported him until he got his student flying license. But that was the farest he could go. He tried to get sponsorship from our rich relatives, good friends and everywhere he could. He was not ashamed to tell them his dream and even had a plan on how to pay them once he gets his flying license. I remember he told me one of our relatives spent 2 hours lecturing him on his dream and how much he hold back his anger, his frustration but still put on a smile and listened patiently.

The were few nights I saw him writting something but he won't tell what was that all about. I wanted to know badly because I saw him struggling to write something but he never came to me for help. In our family, I'm the one who likes to write. Not that I'm good but at least I have the ability to express myself freely and willingly. One night he stayed over at a friend's place and I couldn't stopped myself to check his desk and I found few papers with his hand written but the letters has no endings. He was writting to MAS to explain how much he wanted to fly! and not only MAS but Air Asia, SA, Garuda, Qatar, Eitihad! it was an extra personal letter to the recruiter of cadet pilots! that much of determination my brother had to reach his dream.

One day he told me he quits...but he's not giving up. I told him that things happen for reasons and perhaps it is not the right time yet. That was the first time I saw him cried.

He doesn't know this but I am so proud of him and I pray so hard that one day his favorite words will be :

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking."

One day Bob. Insya Allah. :)

Blood Ties

I promised not to dwell again on my sickness but what I am going to write is not a description of the thing I'm suffering from.

You can call me over sensitive or emotional or whatever but this particular incident happened really made me think hard of what exactly lies behind the 'blood' bond we share for the rest of our lives.

I posted a comment in our family group in Facebook called Mat&Esah. The name was taken from our late grandparents' names, Mamat and Esah. It is a close group which means only those related to the two great people can be in the group. All the cousins, nieces, nephews, in laws joined in and we updated about ourselves and sharing some gossips and announcing news and so on. I set up the group because few of us live outside the country and only through one common interest we can be together.

My posting few days ago was about my new found sickness. The reason why I announced it was because I wanted all of them to have a check-up because one of the reasons why I have diabetes is because of genes. I care and love them so much that I don't want them to suffer and to go through a strict 'procedure' to make sure I can still live one more day.

Guess what? no one, I repeat, no one replied! funny isn't it? most of them on Facebook all the time but NO ONE ever said something, not even some support or encouragments. I got one comment/encouragement from my nephew but through other channel and another support through email from my second cousin and both got to know through my blog and my tagline. I have many well wishes and supports from everyone except from my relatives. How sick is that?

Talking about relatives....hmmm.....I can spend days to try to close the chapter. I love them but there are few just totally stuck-up and poyoh! Gosh sometimes I feel like just choke them and move on. Some are snobbish and the snobbish ones are not the wealthiest one. If you know my family, you know what I'm talking about. Some think they have perfect family with adorable children(yuks!), some think they earn good enough to feel they are totally better than others, some are spoilt, some having big mouths, some having brains of a 5 years old kid and some just simply annoying.

Imagine I have a 27years old cousin who had 3 wives! of course divorced, married, divorce, married and now he is going to marry the 3rd one and she's just the same, pain the the bloody fucking ass! a divorcee! not because she is a divorcee that I don't like her but the attitude of leaving your children with the maid while you are out having fun with that idiot cousin of mine ALL THE TIME?? She's asking RM2,000 per month from the stupid cousin and he said ok. My cousin is a car salesman ONLY. Get the picture?

Oh another cousin, he's 50 years old. Divorce for a very long time and finally found a single 38 years old girl, never been married and they plan to do so end of the year. Best part? she asked for RM10,000 as dowry and my ever stupid motherfucker cousin said yes and you know what he does for living? Pembakar Sate. Listen, Pembakar Sate, not owner of that Sate shop! and he can't even pay for his son's medical bill that cost only RM100! Now RM10,000 and ok? Worst part, they both are my dad's nephew and being the only boy in his family, all my aunties look up to my dad and my dad is 67 and how much can he handle stuff?

My parents constantly busy on these two idiot matters coz my aunties always updating news and I hate it. The damn fuckers have their family and my dad has his own and that always cost my dad having headache and stress and I hate it!

I slowly distant myself from the relatives. Many of them are so fake and very kaki mengampu. This from my mom's side. I can't watch anymore those dramas. It makes me wanna puke.

The Pilot

The pilot called me today.

He called last Thursday but the phone was cut off but he called me today!!! we spoke for a while on what had happened to me and he was ever very supportive and always know how to talk to me.

I met him some 5 years ago, at a golf club. Then I met him again at the club near the golf club. He was always with Captain R. I was very reserved that time and the most I dare to do in a club was smile and nothing more. And so we smile and smile for weeks until one day he came to say Hi.

I was with my ex best friend and she always the friendlier one. She talked to the pilot all the time from that day onwards and everytime I looked at them talking, I saw the pilot's eyes always on me and always managed to squeeze a quick smile while listening to my friend talking.

I must admit he is a very attractive guy. I must say that he's my kind of guy. Tall, fair, small eyes, very steady, secure, cool and brilliant profession. But there's only 1 thing that stopped me from imagining myself being beside him....I'll tell you later.

Our 'relationship' progressed gradually and slowly and I love every minute of it. He is not the type that very impatient or those typical Malay guys that like to show off. Maybe the age factor plays an important role in this. He's very cool and we sort of have that mutual understanding between us. He always says the right thing at the right time. He was so supportive of me when I was in China. Constantly asking if I was ok. Even at certain extend he helped me financially. I never asked but he just knew I was having difficult time and he just came and be the silent hero.

We don't talk all the time or meet up all the time but most of the time if any of us wished to see each other, we will make time for that. We don't even have any sexual experiences with each other though it's so tempting and being a Pilot, oh mind you, he was a Fighter Pilot, not commercial pilot, with that kind of built, who could resist? ok ok I'm only human and I have desire too alright? but nothing happened between us. Nothing more then sitting closely and enjoying each other companies.

He called to ask if I'm doing ok and how I'm dealing with the 'new life'. He said he'll make some time for me next week to see me. The last time I met him? hmm...2 years ago. Since I came back from China for good, I never really have the chance to see him. I did wait for him last month in Subang but he was tied up with something that could not be avoided and so I left.

I don't know what to expect but I do know I miss him so much. I miss the way he teasing me, the way he advices me, the way he hugs me and the way he looked at me without uttering a word. We never said out our feelings, we just knew. :) The feeling is so good. But I know my limit and I'm a woman.

I would devote my life for him if I can..

..if only he's not a married man.

The Dress

This is my favourite dress. My all time favorite! I don't care if anyone think it's old fashion or whatsoever! I've been dreaming of having and wearing it one day and I think with this bloody strict diet I'm going through, my dream will come true! yeah babeh!

The color is perfect, the handbag just so cool and it looks so vintage!

One day Drew...one sweet day I'll wear that with a better hairstyle! yours is kind of strange. Sorry girlfriend. huhuhuhu

Enuff

I decided not to blog on my sickness and medication and my doctors anymore. Enough said and it's now going through healing process. Period.

My sister had a date yesterday in Bangsar. Chris is an Aussie she met through Facebook. He asked her out few months back but cancelled at the last minute because of religion differences. I was like WTF! You don't get married right away after first date do you? total bummer!!! My sister was devastated and I felt like choking this downunder bastard for hurting my sister.

One day he started to talk to my sister again and on and on and yesterday finally they met up face to face. Funny thing was that my partner and I sent her to Starbuck and we sat accross the street in a club named D'Haven and I could see her straight!! My partner, G, was mumbling about I was being too over protective and my sister is going to be 30 soon! G was right but that's my only sister darling!

We waited for her to finish at Mango Mania. D'Haven became D'Hell and so we went to the small restaurant that full with mangos! seriously no joke! whatever you order from this place u surely gonna get mango! even if it means only 1cm in size, you WILL get mango! G had Mango smoothies that came with of course slices of mango, corn flakes and strawberries....and I had to have few scoop to make sure it was good for G...hahahaha....and that contributed to my 12.8 sugar level that night! *sigh

My sister was happy and I guess Chris realized that my sister is much bigger than her name that he stayed longer than he should.

I'm glad she started to live up again. I hate it that the idiot Paki is constantly in her mind. But with yesterday's date, I wish upon a star that she will come to her senses that she deserves better than what she had.

The Rheumatologist, The Neurologist, The Gynaecologist and The Hand Physician

I have Carpal Tunnel and a surgery to remove it will be on the 4th of July.

But that is not the only thing I found out from the medical world...

My glucose level is 26 and for normal people it should be not more than 6! Dr. Ravendran wanted to admit me immediately but due to a very important training tomorrow in the headquarters, I have to decline the 'invitation' and go for the training that will help me to progress to higher level in my career. My career is my life and I need the extra knowledge to earn more and that is my highest priority. And so my dear doctor arranged for a therapy on Friday and I have to have many many dates with he dietician. You see, I have diabetes!

And that's not all...

I always have period problem. I had an operation a year ago as I mentioned in my previous post. I still don't get my regular period. No I'm not pregnant. I hardly been with a man. My gynea told me that I have a thin ovary. The eggs supposedly grow to 16mm everytime it's near menstrual time does not happen to me. It grows only 6mm and therefore nothing could burst out and no blood is coming out from anyway in the area of my woman world. Maybe the doctor was right, I am never a complete woman. :( more blood test and today alone 3 blood test to find the caused everything that are not right in my beautiful body.

I'm just 35 this year end. All these happen to me at this age?

I met 4 specialist today. I spent most of my time in the hospital. Luckily my sister came and at last my dear boyfriend came to join us.

I have to change my life style from now on. NO regular food and drinks that I was religiously consumed all these years.

I decided to be strict to myself from now on. It's not a minor problem I'm facing.

My family needs me. I'm the bread winner in this family. I was lectured by my dad just now and it doesn't make me feel better of course.

I decided to go through whatever the doctors asked me to do and I'll do it for myself. Not for others.

I think it's time for me to take care of myself. I've been betraying myself far too long.

Good night.

The Body

For the past 4 months I have been having problems with my hand, the right one especially. I could not lift anything and can't even open the door lock with feeling any pain. I remember driving my family to our hometown 1 month ago when suddenly my right hand became numb. I was so worry that it will caused danger to my family members that were asleep at that time that I decided to see the specialist.

I had an operation exactly a year ago. I had a cyst in my ovary and after the operation I was on medication until last month. I had few japs that were so painful that I was not ashamed to cry. The OP went well and my doctor said I'm as normal as any other women(duhh, was I not before?). Anyway, due to the medications I have to take every 3 months, I was wondering if it affected my other parts of the body.

I went to SJMC for the routine check up and told my lovely doctor about the numb thing and she arranged for an appointment with a Rheumatologist. The soft spoken doctor suspected that I might having this problem due to my constant typing on the computer but at the same time he wasn't happy with the level of my C Reactive Protein(CRP). For normal people, the CPR is below 6 but mine is 20! It means I have inflammations in side my body somewhere! He did another blood test to detect if I'm suffering from Rheumatoid Arthritis(RA). I was panicked. I mean I'm still young and I need these hands to bring food for the family! *sigh

I got the result yesterday and alhamdullilah it was negative. But it doesn't solve the problem. Then he broke the news. He is quite confident that I have problem with nerves! OMG! My eldest aunty is bed-ridden because of it, my another aunty is suffering from it and can hardly walk without a tongkat and now me? why me? My doctor arranged for me to meet with a Neurologist for further check up and to conduct few test before they can proceed with the treatment and the appointment is tomorrow morning.

When my gynae diagnosed me of suffering from Endometriosis, I was shocked but quite calmed but when Dr. Davendran the Rheumatologist mentioned about the nerves thing, I almost fainted. I am a strong girl, inside and out and the only thing that can make me weak is something happen in my family but this time it's me! why I can't be strong and calm as I used to be? I didn't tell anyone, not even to my sister who is the closest to me that tomorrow's appointment is bothering me so much that I think my heart beats as fast as the bullet train.

I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow but I know whatever the result going to be, I have to face it by myself.

I'm going alone tomorrow. My boyfriend doesn't even mentioned to accompany me and I am not going to ask for the help or mention about it. Besides, we die alone too.

Good nite.

It starts with A

At last I made it.

My own blog! Not that millions will read it but I'm proud that I finally have the guts to get started with it. I've been delaying far too long and too many times. I don't know why. I mean I love to write and I have so many things to tell and share with others. My experiences going through this short life can actually put into books! Or maybe I was just so scared to voice out my thoughts and too afraid if someone judges me negatively. But I guess I'm okay with it now.

So here I am. I will start to write as often as I can and share my daily life and my experiences with everyone.
Cheers!