:)

I always wonder if I've really moving on and let go of him. Sometimes I thought I've did but there were occasion that I knew I'm still going in circles. I don't like the feelings at all because it kept me holding back to something I really wasn't sure.

Few days ago I had a conversation with a good friend who brought up something inside me that I've been keeping for long time. The anger, the frustration that I kept inside me but refused to deal with it. After the conversation I decided to be true to myself and stopped lying anymore. I let the anger ran through me, the frustration to flow inside me. I let the anger came out and mad about it the whole day. I acknowledged the emotion, I let it be inside me, I swore, I yelled, I thought about the times he hurts me, I recalled the time when he pissed me off, I admitted that he did hurt me and I was mad as hell that he broke my heart. I didn't stop myself from finding the good things about him to cover the anger I felt inside me. I stopped being nice and I let it dwelt inside me the whole time.

I prayed like I never did before and told God how I felt about he had done to me. I told God how much it hurts me. I told God how much anger I have for him. I cried and cried my heart out that I couldn't stopped for about an hour. I told God what I want. I told God to guide me. I told God how frustrated I am and how it effected my life.

I finally realized the reason why I was still holding back was because I refused to accept the truth. I refused to go to the process of healing. I denied any negative things about him. I didn't want to go through the stages.

But miracle happened. After I acknowledged my true feelings, suddenly I felt so free. Free of all the emotion that nearly killed me. I began to see things coming. I managed to have so much fun partying without thinking about him. I was able to laugh and smile from the heart. I felt good. I felt energetic. I felt that the whole world is under my feet. I begin to love everything about me. I begin to let go..

Last night I had a dream. I dreamed his parents came to see me and apologized for what had happened. I remembered crying on his mother's lap. He was there but his ego was still so high that he refused to even said a word.

I woke up strangely fine this morning. I have no regrets and I have no more guilt inside me. I feel calmer and so free for the first time.

I've learned that things will work out fine if we surrender to the Universe and let the process of healing play the part and all I have to do is be gentle to myself and be patience for I know and I can feel that good things will happen to me soon.

Thank you to those who had helped me to see the lights. :)