WTF!

What the fuck with people nowadays huh? One minute you are in love and the next minute u are totally over it and fancy someone else! this is a very selfish act and I really could not understand this behaviour!

What's with the attitude? gosh it get on to my nerves everytime I hear this kind of situation.

I was just getting up from bed this morning at 7am and saw my sister in front of the computer with the worst facial expression ever! I knew something is wrong and she didn't wait long to tell me that Pat has found someone else! just like that!

I still remember for the past so many months they both were like teenagers falling in love again and again and she talked about he is coming down to meet our family and so on and suddenly there's this girl at his play that in love with him and he thinks that he is too and left my sister and he said he can't helped it and it wasn't planned and it just happened.

Oh God! what a lame excuses and he said perhaps it is infactuation! INFACTUATION my fucking ass!!

Can a person be so loyal to the partner? can a person love two person at one time? and is there such thing called LOVE anymore?

I don't believe in love and I wish everyone else too!
*sigh


*picture of my sister

The War In Me

I haven't been blogging for a while because of few things. On top of my list was because I was totally blur and without words due to things that I shouldn't took it seriously and that of course has got to do with my heart and I was being too emotional and let myself dwelled into it. Damn me!

What's wrong with the world now? or what's wrong with me? how come all the people that I tend to feel good about are either married or having a steady girlfriend or engaged, confused and having children out of wedlock? WTF?

I am beginning to be so afraid to open my heart or feeling good about people. Now I realized why everytime I was introduced to someone, I built the wall between us. It was because I was so worried that my heart will starts to sing again and the lyrics gonna be another sad love song.

What is wrong with me? my cousin in New Haven told me that perhaps I'm hard to please. Oh come on what do ya know about me? I think I've been pleasing all the TOM DICK and HARRY all my bloody lives! and not to mention all the MARY, KATE and JANE too for godsake!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not desperate to get a husband. Yeah yeah I'm 36. Lately I've been thinking about the reasons why I'm still single. I can't give people reason that I love being single because I'm not and nobody is. Let's face the fact, we need someone to accompany us in going through this life or at least when we reach that 'maturity' stage where no matter how frequent you dyde your hair, somehow rather it will show those grey color that represent your real age.

Can I rely on my siblings to take care of me? no way. Not that they won't do it but I definitely do not want to be a burden. Nursing home? Do I deserve to be there after working so hard and taking care of people all my life?

So, I have to get married or adopt a child but in this country, it's not an easy process and the community will have all this curiousity that is it true that the child is really an orphan or it's my own child that I gave birth out of wedlock! Not that I care about what they gonna whisper but I don't think I want a child to be treated differently by others.

Does having a husband or a child will make any differences when u grew older? A child will go away and leave us out from their life. A husband? maybe that's the last resort.

So, I DO need to find a husband ey?

But how? does it has to involve love? like madly falling in love with? in that case, I think my time is running out. Firstly because I'm an old maid and don't think any guys would go for me whereas there are many young blood around and secondly, most good men are taken, taken seriously! and I don't deserve to be hide from the public!

Oh this is sucks. Let me tell you something, I'm still have feeling for M though not that much anymore and God knows how I'm suffering in between trying to forget him and having this feelings. I try and try to divert the attention to other people, even to the extend towards artist and sportsman. I'm not joking. U know what's the most painful part? the sportsman I am 'in love' with also has a family of his own!!! Don't u think I'm a bloody fucking loser?

I have this on-going 'friendship' with a man. I mentioned before about him in my previous blog. I feel secure, I feel loved, I feel respected and most of all I'm happy being with him. But where this gonna lead to? he has 3 grown up kids that looked as handsome as he is. I don't even know if I'm the secret lover or just an acquintances. But the question again is where this gonna lead me to?

I am close to a Scottish I met through Facebook and we are connected everyday in all sort of ways and I feel good about this. At last someone is not attached! Thanked God! but wait a minute, why there are so many pictures of him with a Chinese girl and what's with all the 'kisses' in all the comments? "D, before I met you I have plan to see this girl in Hongkong but nothing has happened yet and I'm still single. But it doesn't mean that I can't visit you right?"

Oh dear God.

I'm getting weaker God. I really am. I'm not strong anymore. I'm carrying all this love on my shoulder and in my heart and I have to park it somewhere. If it's meant to be kept inside me till the day I die, please don't tickle my heart anymore. :(

I never prayed for marriage in my life before but lately, I ask God for a man to be with me for better and worse till death do us apart.





*my picture after spoken to the Scottish. For the first time I have to admit that I do looked matured, very very matured.