Mi Amor?

I wasn't expecting this way when I decided to be in this relationship. Everyone knows that I'm a very sentimental, emotional and physical person and I did expect that all my partners will be the same like me but this time, he's different.

I have to admit that I had difficulties at the beginning because in a relationship, I always wanted to be the center of attention, from my partner. Every small little thing means everything to me. My level of sensitiveness can be so high that a slight changes of a routine can make me paranoid. I hate this. I seriously hate to have doubts on someone that I love and what made it worse was when I was punishing him for the mistake of others, my previous partners to be exact.

Maybe I was just protecting myself but the way it was going, I almost lost control of it. I tried to find faults because I just couldn't believed that good things do happen to me sometimes. I felt that it was just too good to be true. And the rumours I heard about how he has a lot of female friends just scared me away. I had enough of having to worry about what if he's with other woman. For years I was suffering from this by believing wholehearterdly my ex boyfriend that he was true to me and my love but at the end, I was the real fool.

I don't know if he realized that I felt insecure in this relationship. All these while I felt secured with others based on the words they said to me, well rather like those stupid little words that always make women overwhelmed. I was under pressure for a while because the most he said to me is: miss you. That's all. And as a woman, at least at this age, it wasn't good enough. I wanted to hear that 3 letter words and it was never heard until one day I said it first and he replied the same thing. I was jumping with joy but that was the last time I heard it from him.

It was kind of a dissapointing when he didn't even say it on my birthday. I began to question his heart, his intention and perhaps there was another girl! but he waited at midnight to send his birthday wish and he was the first person to do so! he sent few birthday wishes to my phone, 2 birthday wishes to my facebook email and morning birthday wishes and through out the day until it was 15/12 midnight. And not forgetting I didn't have a good day that day and was been swearing and let it out on him and all he did was calming me down, not even scolded me or critisized me at all! He just let me screamed and complained and yelled and talked and talked....and he still talked to me until my birthday was over and he still sent me birthday wish before he slept.

What the fuck I was doing? what the hell I want?? what was I searching for? why did I do this to him? what was wrong with me? what was I acting like a child?

I cried the whole way back home after my friends celebrated my birthday in RP. I can't stopped thinking about how childish I was. I embarrased myself in front of the only man in my life now. I had doubts about him and all I did was accusing him having doubts about me! and when I reached home, I sent it a message that I was at home already and he was awake waiting for me to come home though we are thousand miles away!!!!!!

The whole night I didn't sleep. It was like I received a 'wahyu' from God showing me what kind of man he is that I overlooked. I realized that the only person that is true to themselves in this relationship is him, not me. He is being himself and he knows who he is.

He doesn't show his feelings openly and that's him. Eventhough he looks cold without emotion, he has the softest heart that I ever seen in any of my partners previously. He prefer to control over his emotions and displays composed manners, realistic actions and if you look deeper, he is charming and funny and sponteneous.

He provides me with a roof in a storm as well as keeping me warm on a freezing winter night, his way.

I begin to realize also that he won't sing for me but he is romantic at heart by the few things he did for me. He doesn't care what people think of him as long as I know what he feels for me, it's good enough for him.

I tried to adjust the situation and controlling my emotion and sensitiveness since then and I realized there's changes and I feel calm and at peace. Perhaps I've found the right way to love him and honoring my feelings too.

This is wonderful and yeah, he doesn't say he loves me the second time but he does make me feel loved all the time.. :)

Little Dee

My very good friend just gave birth two days ago. All my friends have at least a kid and one of them actually has 7 kids!

It makes me think about what Dr. Delila, my gyneacologist told me a year and the half ago that I have zero chance to have my own babies. Some stupid eggs just refused to be functioned. I was on hormon pills after the operation and she said I was a perfect woman but just weeks after she broke the news that I'm in fertile.

So I'm not perfect. I've learned to accept that facts but when I heard about my friend's delivery, something came to my mind. I really need to find alternative ways to cure this problem because I am so so much wanting to have my little ones. Someone that looks just like me.

I got few people trying to help me to find the medication for this and I used to push them away but this time I think I seriously need to give it a try. I need to have my little Dee, at least for once.

I'm going for 'berurut' next weekend and I'm not gonna stop until I am confident that I am destined to be childless.

Pray for me, please.

Being 'Dumped'

I got back from Jakarta on last Saturday and it was planned that we will meet again on the 10th. Which supposed to be like 6 days away but yesterday I received a phone called from him telling me that he can't make it due to a very important meeting he has to attend on Monday...and my birthday will be on Tuesday.

I'm not sure of how I feel but certainly I do feel very dissapointed. I've planned every single thing from the first day he arrives to the last day before he flies home.

I know very well this meeting means everything to him. He has been working on it for months and this will determine his future career and his future life/

I am sad. I can't hide it. I really can't hide it. Last year I celebrated it with close friends after being dumped and was hoping this year will be different. I don't want a big party or a party for that matter. I just need his presence.

I am trying hard to be understanding and supportive towards him. I'm his biggest fan and always support him in everything but I must admit this time around I am so so so sad that it turns out to be this way.

This is what I hate when being in love. You have expectation and you can easily get sensitive over things unneccessarily. My good friend Ena told me that I'm being over sensitive about this and perhaps she's right but what she doesn't know is that I need him more than I ever needed anyone else.

Have a great birthday D.

Only God Knows

Once a wise man that closed to my heart used to say that "hanya Allah yang tahu apa yang terbaik untuk kita". Translated as 'only Allah knows what is best for us'.

No one can argue with this statement because if you strongly believe in the presence and the power of the Almighty, you know it is true.

This is what I'm afraid of. I don't mean to question the facts but somehow I know I will go through a rough route again if it's not meant to be and it will take a longer time this time around to cure.

This is what I'm scared of everything I fall in love. I don't have the confidence in me to think that I do deserved to be loved, romantically by someone.

The experiences I went through had nearly killed me and I tried every possible ways not to let the heart sings again but I'm too weak.

Another friend used to advice me that if I can't take the risk and couldn't go through another heartache I should shut myself down, lock the heart tightly and never let anyone in. This is not an act of a selfish person but a way to save my life.

It's funny when I will tend to have a weird behavior everytime someone is too nice to me. I don't feel comfortable and I don't have the confidence that it will last. I try to find faults. I try to find means and ways to piss that someone in order to prove to me that all men are the same. They are good at the beginning and starts to show the true colors when they got you.

My boyfriend had so far proved to me that I was wrong of thinking all men are the same and I started to believe in that until one day I saw something that made me knocked myself on the wall for being so stupid to fall to men's words again.

Those happy moments I saw with my own eyes could not be erased from my mind for the rest of my life. I know I will never be the best but it's too late to back off because I love him with all my heart.

Only God knows what best for me and him.

Waiting

I hate waiting and my heart beats so fast! wtf!

Not another heartache please. Gosh I've been pampered too much all these while.

:(

Love Actually

I was told to watch this movie years ago but I never really watched it because the title alone scares me. But late afternoon yesterday while I was cleaning my desktop in the office suddenly I found this movie and somehow I had that strong urged to watch it and man I should have watched it years ago!

Folks, if you haven't watched it, please do so and preferably watch it alone so that you will understand the whole meaning of love and what people would do to feel love and it often comes in a way you never ever could imagined.

There's one particular statement that I would love to re-quote in this movie and it says:


"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there – fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge – they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around."

Yes, love is actually all around :)
Cheers!


p/s: please do watch this movie.

Believe Me

Do you realize that sometimes the things that came to you were the things you once prayed before once upon a time? I realized that lately. It is almost frightening. It was like everything you wished for were slowly been granted by the special Force.

Lord knows I've been through the worst hell ever created on earth. The tears that fell from my eyes were just enough to fill up a lake. The pain in the heart that was hurt for so many time were just something that no words can definied it clearly. But He also grants me the most powerful weapon ever invented - Patience.

Sometimes I wonder how the hell I ever gone this far? am I not human at all that I can swallowed all these all these years? but you know what? it's worth it. :)

There are so many changes in my life currently. The process was painful and sometimes I almost given up but I think the streght I have is from my parents's prayers day and night for me and I managed to go through it.

When I am in new path now then I realized it wasn't that hard actually. The first step will always be the hardest but if you have the guts to take it, the rest of the road is all yours. It's gonna be winding but it's a worth journey to travel in.

Now slowly I can see things clearly. I saw the view of the once a wished. I can't believe my eyes, my mind but yes it is coming through. One by one. It's like watching a Back To The Future series.

I sat down one night in the room while having my cigaratte and suddenly I had the goosebumps all over my body. I was thinking about the whole changes in me and when this particular image appeared on my mind, I almost fainted because gosh it was exactly as I wanted from day 1.

I started to open my eyes wider and watching every step of the way every single day. was still closing the most sensitive organ in my body and pushing away all the possibilities that could finally make me the happiest woman alive because I was just too scared that it is happening and I can't believe it IS HAPPENING TO ME!! TO ME!

I lost it. There's no other energy or force that is greater than PRAYERS.

and folks, u GOT TO BELIEVE ME!

Book section

I was given this book to read by a colleague. Little that I know it was actually been read by few other colleagues in the office. It took me few months to finish this book because this is one the books that really made me think real hard after each chapter. The title is kind of 'scary' when I first looked at it. It gave me the impression that my colleague was trying to preach..but I took it with an opened heart and I must say that this is one book that helps me to not be afraid of who I am and being proud of myself and the best part is that I found that there are people who have doubts about few things in life like me and curious about so many thing that are happening around us. It tells me that I'm not alone.

I read this book much earlier than I'M WITH CUPID but it took me later to finish reading this because I had to repeat it everytime I finished each chapter. This is one of the best books I've ever read.


Enjoy.
:)

I'm With Cupid

Hi folks.

I felt lost without the laptop but I guess it's time for me to continue to do my reading more often now and so my latest book is called I'm With Cupid by Diane Stingley.

Again I recommend my friends to read it, especially the girls. This book is talking about the daily life of a girl who is searching for true love and all the feelings and anxiety and excitement clearly described in this book and I can feel that all the butterflies in my stomach and the extra fast heartbeat are normal and that I am definitely not alone.

Enjoy the book. :)

The M Episode

After waiting for a while for someone to be in contact with me, God sent me something much better. He sent me my good friends to fill up the emptiness in me. He sent Chilli band to me and it was a reunion of a lifetime.

M was part of the band and I once had a big crush on him and this time around he was more open then he used to be before and I realized why my heart was beating fast when they were here months ago.

I never expected that he will be so closed to me like he did these two days but I guess the moment I let go of him there was the time the good things keep coming in. M was there for me through out the last 3 months and being a good friend to me in his own crazy ways. But I feel that he cares a lot and constantly he said to me that he knows me very well. What's inside me, what I'm thinking, my frustration, my emotion and I am surprised that he said it all well and truth. I guess we are meant to be good friends all these while. He took care of me well these two days. Always there and teased me like he never did before. He was more physical towards me too, not like he used to be very reserved.

Meeting the others too made these two days of my life a memorable one. I missed them badly and we had hell of a good time. But I never knew M and me can be this close.

M asked me to spend time in Phuket where they will perform for the next 3 months and I might just do that one of these days.

I still miss this someone but I know I have other reasons to move on and there are others who appreciate me too and I should embrace that and knows my life isn't about one man but memories that created by many. :)

Perhaps Love

Perhaps love is like a resting place
A shelter from the storm
It exists to give you comfort
It is there to keep you warm
And in those times of trouble
When you are most alone
The memory of love will bring you home


Perhaps love is like a window
Perhaps an open door
It invites you to come closer
It wants to show you more
And even if you lose yourself
And don't know what to do
The memory of love will see you through


Oh, Love to some is like a cloud
To some as strong as steel


For some a way of living
For some a way to feel


And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go
And some say love is everything
And some say they don't know


Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict, full of change
Like a fire when it's cold outside
Thunder when it rains
If I should live forever
And all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you


And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go


And some say love is everything
Some say they don't know

Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict, full of change
Like a fire when it's cold outside
Or thunder when it rains
If I should live forever
And all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you.

Enough said. :)

Ka Mate

I had one of the best days of my life last Saturday, 12th June 2010.

It all started from morning when I woke up I realized that papa was getting better from the gum infection and able to eat properly.

Due to the uncertainties in the office, many of us applied for new jobs to have a backup in case the board decided to sell off the company and I had an interview on that Saturday in Kuala Lumpur. It was for the post of Marketing Executive. The owner is a wonderful man with open concept of dealing with the employees. Though the basic salary is not that what I expected, still it's very tempting due to the fact that the commision will definitely help a lot in my monthly obligation and expenses. But I can't jump into conclusion yet, I need to re think and re value the whole thing before I commit myself. Anyway the interview went so well that I consider it as one of the best interviews I ever went to.

My sister accompanied me to the interview and we took the off day to do much more things and the best part was that most of our activities that day were spontenous.

I brought my sister to Subang Parade to get her a baju kurung or kebaya for my brother's wedding reception to be held end of July. The one she really liked was gone and we went to many other shops but nothing that really suit to what she wanted and so we put that on hold and went to McDonald to have lunch.

It was during that lunch that we were entertained by this 5 piece all ladies band on the stage organized by Yamaha Music. There was also a session of how to play the guitar, all kind of guitars and I can't helped but thinking about someone. Anyway, just before we left, the MC announced that the very popular local band named PopShuvit will be performing in 30 minutes time and my sister and I was speechless. We were about to witness one of the best bands Malaysia ever produced and this band is so popular in Japan that they got the Japanese girls went crazy over them. We stayed at McDonald and had the best seats right across the stage. When PopShuvit went on stage, our hearts were beating so fast. I mean these guys not only good but they are so good looking too! They performed their top 3 songs that made them so famous and we enjoyed every moment of it. It felt like in a real concert and at the end of the show, my sister went to get autographs from the band but sadly was that, of all the days, it was that day that we forgotten to bring our camera!!!!!!! we were so frustrated but left with smiling faces anyway.

While at the parking lot, we were still stunned over what we had witnessed and kept talking about it until suddenly my sister screamed: OMG! WE MISSED SOMETHING EQUALLY IMPORTANT, DRIVE NOW, WE NEED TO GO TO THE STADIUM!!!

Yes!!!! I almost forgot!!!! New Zealand All Blacks was in town and they are going to play in an hours time!!! All Blacks is my all time favorite team and I'm crazy over the Hakka dance! I never watched them played live before and this was gonna be the first time ever.

When we reached the stadium, it was almost full with people being so excited but we haven't got the tickets and it was expensive and my best buddy Sue was waiting for me at home to go to do our eyebrow trading!!! oh shit!

I drove fast to Sue's house and the moment she got into my car, I told her about the game and to my surprised she said: WHAT ARE U WAITING FOR? FLY WOMAN!!!!

When we reached the stadium again, there were more and more people and suddenly my sister screamed: IT'S 20 Ringgit only!!!!!!!

Oh I can't missed this and so I sent my sister to get the tickets while I went to find parking and God is great, I just need to make one turn, there was a nice parking near the stadium!!! Sue and I quickly ran to get my sister and when we entered the stadium, the crowd went crazy and screaming even louder!!! The All Blacks just walked in to the field with their signature jersey and Jonah Lomu was one of the players!!!!

We quickly found our seats and this was another history in my life, I WAS GOING TO WATCH THE HAKKA DANCE LIVEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!! I've been watching Hakka dance for such a long time in youtube and I adore the passion and spirit of the Kiwis.

The world famous All Blacks is not only a brilliant team but they also have this tradition of performing the Hakka dance a.k.a the Warrior dance before any games and on that awesome Saturday, All Blacks made it happened to me. They took my breath away. But one thing I was kind of dissapointed was that my all time favorite player, the 2003-2004 World Cup Captain, Tana Umaga, was not in the team. Tana is Ronaldo for soccer. If you watch Tana performs Hakka in youtube, you will have the goosebumps and will be speechless for a while because he is not only a good player but he has this attractiveness that captured my heart and I'm still in love with him though he has 4 daughters and loyal to his wife!

Anyway, the game was fantastic. It was against World Selection and both played extremely well. Jonah Lomu did dissapoint the crowd few times but he still showed his skills that made him New Zealand's most treasured players.

Sue, my sister and I were so estastic that we didn't even bother about the sun. It was a bloody hot day but All Blacks made it a beautiful day. We left the stadium with even bigger smiles and many many wild imaginations and very satisfied women!!!! ha ha ha

I sent Sue home and we totally forgotten about the eyebrow trading but that's ok. My sister and I went to my aunt's place to shower. Due to the facts that we forgotten how 'wet' we were at the stadium and all the sweat really made us felt so uncomfortable! Had a good and cheerful chat with my aunt and cousin and after an hour we left to the Indian's stall to have our dinner.

By that time I was already exhausted. Sue joined us wearing something that was like ready to party and my sister kept giving me hints that she still wanna enjoy the rest of the day outside from the house. I knew what was in their mind but neither one of them will be going anywhere without me. Sue, from out of the blue suddenly said: D, I'm going to rp, let us finish the day with more good times, please go.

And so I drove to RP.

RP is our favorite hangout. It's a club with live bands, food and drinks of course and all of my friends hang out at this amazing club, even my boss too!! It's like the club CHEERS in Boston, just like in the tv. It's a place where everybody knows your name. Or to be exact, our second home! hahaha. We found good friendship in this club and many things happened in this particular club too.

So we reached RP around 10pm. Everyone was there and the spirit of world cup was high. Everyone was smiling and laughing. The new live band came to us and we had so much fun talking and playing around. We watched the game of Argentina vs Nigeria and witnessed the goal by world's greatest footballer, Lionel Messi from Argentina and the brilliance of Nigeria's goalkeeper, Enyeamba.

By 12am, 3 of us were starting to see the stars around us and that showed it was time to end the day.

I reached home by 1.30am and it was a smooth journey home without any roadbloacks that often gives us trouble and it ended with 'good night papa' and I smiled myself to sleep that night.

It was truly a blessed day. It will remained in my heart as one of the best days of my life.

It's a special day because for the first time after so long, I devoted the whole day to myself.

My life is getting better. :)
Alhamdullilah.

WTF!

What the fuck with people nowadays huh? One minute you are in love and the next minute u are totally over it and fancy someone else! this is a very selfish act and I really could not understand this behaviour!

What's with the attitude? gosh it get on to my nerves everytime I hear this kind of situation.

I was just getting up from bed this morning at 7am and saw my sister in front of the computer with the worst facial expression ever! I knew something is wrong and she didn't wait long to tell me that Pat has found someone else! just like that!

I still remember for the past so many months they both were like teenagers falling in love again and again and she talked about he is coming down to meet our family and so on and suddenly there's this girl at his play that in love with him and he thinks that he is too and left my sister and he said he can't helped it and it wasn't planned and it just happened.

Oh God! what a lame excuses and he said perhaps it is infactuation! INFACTUATION my fucking ass!!

Can a person be so loyal to the partner? can a person love two person at one time? and is there such thing called LOVE anymore?

I don't believe in love and I wish everyone else too!
*sigh


*picture of my sister

The War In Me

I haven't been blogging for a while because of few things. On top of my list was because I was totally blur and without words due to things that I shouldn't took it seriously and that of course has got to do with my heart and I was being too emotional and let myself dwelled into it. Damn me!

What's wrong with the world now? or what's wrong with me? how come all the people that I tend to feel good about are either married or having a steady girlfriend or engaged, confused and having children out of wedlock? WTF?

I am beginning to be so afraid to open my heart or feeling good about people. Now I realized why everytime I was introduced to someone, I built the wall between us. It was because I was so worried that my heart will starts to sing again and the lyrics gonna be another sad love song.

What is wrong with me? my cousin in New Haven told me that perhaps I'm hard to please. Oh come on what do ya know about me? I think I've been pleasing all the TOM DICK and HARRY all my bloody lives! and not to mention all the MARY, KATE and JANE too for godsake!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not desperate to get a husband. Yeah yeah I'm 36. Lately I've been thinking about the reasons why I'm still single. I can't give people reason that I love being single because I'm not and nobody is. Let's face the fact, we need someone to accompany us in going through this life or at least when we reach that 'maturity' stage where no matter how frequent you dyde your hair, somehow rather it will show those grey color that represent your real age.

Can I rely on my siblings to take care of me? no way. Not that they won't do it but I definitely do not want to be a burden. Nursing home? Do I deserve to be there after working so hard and taking care of people all my life?

So, I have to get married or adopt a child but in this country, it's not an easy process and the community will have all this curiousity that is it true that the child is really an orphan or it's my own child that I gave birth out of wedlock! Not that I care about what they gonna whisper but I don't think I want a child to be treated differently by others.

Does having a husband or a child will make any differences when u grew older? A child will go away and leave us out from their life. A husband? maybe that's the last resort.

So, I DO need to find a husband ey?

But how? does it has to involve love? like madly falling in love with? in that case, I think my time is running out. Firstly because I'm an old maid and don't think any guys would go for me whereas there are many young blood around and secondly, most good men are taken, taken seriously! and I don't deserve to be hide from the public!

Oh this is sucks. Let me tell you something, I'm still have feeling for M though not that much anymore and God knows how I'm suffering in between trying to forget him and having this feelings. I try and try to divert the attention to other people, even to the extend towards artist and sportsman. I'm not joking. U know what's the most painful part? the sportsman I am 'in love' with also has a family of his own!!! Don't u think I'm a bloody fucking loser?

I have this on-going 'friendship' with a man. I mentioned before about him in my previous blog. I feel secure, I feel loved, I feel respected and most of all I'm happy being with him. But where this gonna lead to? he has 3 grown up kids that looked as handsome as he is. I don't even know if I'm the secret lover or just an acquintances. But the question again is where this gonna lead me to?

I am close to a Scottish I met through Facebook and we are connected everyday in all sort of ways and I feel good about this. At last someone is not attached! Thanked God! but wait a minute, why there are so many pictures of him with a Chinese girl and what's with all the 'kisses' in all the comments? "D, before I met you I have plan to see this girl in Hongkong but nothing has happened yet and I'm still single. But it doesn't mean that I can't visit you right?"

Oh dear God.

I'm getting weaker God. I really am. I'm not strong anymore. I'm carrying all this love on my shoulder and in my heart and I have to park it somewhere. If it's meant to be kept inside me till the day I die, please don't tickle my heart anymore. :(

I never prayed for marriage in my life before but lately, I ask God for a man to be with me for better and worse till death do us apart.





*my picture after spoken to the Scottish. For the first time I have to admit that I do looked matured, very very matured.

Karma?

I was browing through my email yesterday and I found something in the archive.

An email that was sent to me 8 years ago by a man called James Mattox.
It reads:

"i care about you alot i might not say it but i mean it.
i dont know if you are haveing second thoughts but im am not iwant you more now then ever.
i miss you alot
iwant this to happen if i have to come over there i will
what do you want me to say
i love you i love you i love you
WILL YOU MARRY ME????? WILL YOU MARRY ME???? WILL YOU MARRY ME????
i really wanted to do this in person but if i have to do this now i will
please let me know

james
16 November 2002-Saturday"

I said NO and broke his heart into pieces. I fell in love with someone else, just because James doesn't talked much and kept things to himself.

He came to KL to see me two months after the proposal and we never talked about it. He was still in love with me and just watched me with someone else.

He flew home 10 days later.

The day he reached home I found out the whole truth about him.

Prior to his visit to KL, he went to Kentucky to get the ring I adored so much. He kept it inside his bag with the hope that he got the chance to propose to me again, in person. But he never had the chance.

To make things worst, he already converted to Islam and ready to be married to me with all the documentations with him.

He never had the chance to propose, he never had the chance to tell me that he is a Muslim and the worst part that is killing me until today is that he never given a chance to tell me how much he missed me.

It's KARMA. Now I'm paying it for hurting someone so badly.

I'm sorry James. If you could hear me.


p/s: James remains single until this date.

The Butterflies

It is possible that I start to like someone now or even fall in love? I'm not sure of the funny feeling I have inside me or perhaps I'm in denial? and in fear?

Someone makes me smile lately, unconsciously to be exact. He doesn't realize that his actions and his words, his laughter, his jokes are the answer to all the butterflies I have in my stomach for the past few weeks.

I'm not sure where this will lead me to and I'm not sure if I should take the risk and grab the chance and spell it out. I mean I do honor my feelings and respect myself so much that I let if flow inside me, especially it makes me smile without any reasons while driving the car or even when being alone or walking down the street.


Oh yes good to be back.
Happy New Year everyone.