To say that I grieved a lot is something not so quite right. I went out on dates. Doubles dates too with my sister. It was fun though I wasn't that excited when it was planned. I almost canceled it but I managed to gather my courage and gave it a go and a chance to have a good time.

Surprisingly those dates were fun. We talked and laughed a lot. I felt uncomfortable at the beginning because I'm not sure whether I am ready to it again but thank God everything went smoothly.

Since I found closure to my last relationship few days ago I think I'm ready to give myself a chance to be liked and enjoy time with other guys, who knows, one of them could be the true love I've been searching for all my life.

*pictures: me and a guy name Omar with my sister and someone name Dax. For the record, it was a fun date! I smiled the whole night. :) so did my sister. :)

My Farm

Call me crazy or weird, I'll take it! Ladies and gentlemen, this is my Farm!

Ok ok it is not quite right that it is my real farm but it is somehow my dreamed farm. Let me be honest, this is my farm in FACEBOOK! hikhikhikhik. I spent a lot of time with this. Though not quite the exact farm I always wanted, it's almost a perfecto. huhuhuhu.

Many of my friends have some other Farms applications but I owned only this and I shall make it to the top level.

You will be surprised to know that many of your guys friends, single or married are playing the Farm thingy!! lol. even my banker is having his own farm!!! OMG!

Enjoy! feel free to drop by. heheheehhe

Must be...

Must be the new blouse I am wearing today. Or perhaps the new hairstyle. It could be the my black favorite pants. Or maybe my new LV watch. Very likely because I had facial yesterday. Most probably due to the healing session I had. Or absofuckinglutely because I started to feel vibrant and good!

Never I imagined that today, I'm the HOT one in the office. People greeted me like I'm a superstar! the guys were like hanging out with me and kept looking at me from head to toe and they were like asking me: "something so good about u today which we don't know what but u are absolutely HOT today!:

hahahaahahaha. Honestly i have no idea what's the difference compare to any other days but I realized one thing is that when I got up this morning, I told myself that today is gonna be a good day for me.

I guess the 'spell' works! Oh I feel good! :)

oh did I tell you about last Friday nite? it will be in my next posting... I had hell of a time and I'm BACK! ahahahahhaa

My Father

That's my dad. He's 68 today. He came a long way to be at who he is today.

Of all the things I've done wrong, I must have done something so right to deserve a father like him.

I don't know where to begin talking about my father because there are so many things to dwell about him but I shall keep it to myself as I want it to be only me to feel how great a man he is.

He has gone through so much that made him so humble and patient. The tremendous problems and obstacle he had to go through made him one of the greatest man I ever known.

His unconditional love for us is incredible. Even at this age, he will always making sure we are well and safe. I remember when I just had my operation last year and stayed home for a month. The way he took care of me was just beyond expectation. Every pain I suffered during that time was hurting him so badly. He took care of me like I was just been born. Sometimes when my heart was broken, he doesn't need to say a word, all he does is to hug me and whisper how much he loves me.

When no one there to catch my tears and when I'm in fear to move on, he gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person- he believes in me.

It's your birthday papa. No matter what it takes, I will make sure you and mama will always be happy because it is in you, I found my happiness.

Happy Birthday Papa. You did it Your Way!

Dance with me. :)

Book Club

I highly recommend all of you to read:

"La Thazaan" - Dr. Aidh Abdullah Al Qarni.

or "Don't Be Sad" in its English version.

Read for yourself why this book had been translated to various languages and how it helps me to stay alive. :)

:)

I always wonder if I've really moving on and let go of him. Sometimes I thought I've did but there were occasion that I knew I'm still going in circles. I don't like the feelings at all because it kept me holding back to something I really wasn't sure.

Few days ago I had a conversation with a good friend who brought up something inside me that I've been keeping for long time. The anger, the frustration that I kept inside me but refused to deal with it. After the conversation I decided to be true to myself and stopped lying anymore. I let the anger ran through me, the frustration to flow inside me. I let the anger came out and mad about it the whole day. I acknowledged the emotion, I let it be inside me, I swore, I yelled, I thought about the times he hurts me, I recalled the time when he pissed me off, I admitted that he did hurt me and I was mad as hell that he broke my heart. I didn't stop myself from finding the good things about him to cover the anger I felt inside me. I stopped being nice and I let it dwelt inside me the whole time.

I prayed like I never did before and told God how I felt about he had done to me. I told God how much it hurts me. I told God how much anger I have for him. I cried and cried my heart out that I couldn't stopped for about an hour. I told God what I want. I told God to guide me. I told God how frustrated I am and how it effected my life.

I finally realized the reason why I was still holding back was because I refused to accept the truth. I refused to go to the process of healing. I denied any negative things about him. I didn't want to go through the stages.

But miracle happened. After I acknowledged my true feelings, suddenly I felt so free. Free of all the emotion that nearly killed me. I began to see things coming. I managed to have so much fun partying without thinking about him. I was able to laugh and smile from the heart. I felt good. I felt energetic. I felt that the whole world is under my feet. I begin to love everything about me. I begin to let go..

Last night I had a dream. I dreamed his parents came to see me and apologized for what had happened. I remembered crying on his mother's lap. He was there but his ego was still so high that he refused to even said a word.

I woke up strangely fine this morning. I have no regrets and I have no more guilt inside me. I feel calmer and so free for the first time.

I've learned that things will work out fine if we surrender to the Universe and let the process of healing play the part and all I have to do is be gentle to myself and be patience for I know and I can feel that good things will happen to me soon.

Thank you to those who had helped me to see the lights. :)

Just After Raya

These pictures taken 2 days after the Eid and one and the half week after G left me. My cousins were kind enough to bring me to Kuantan and stayed in her sea view apartment for a night.

The view was magnificent and it was so peaceful. I tried to put up my smile. Though it was so hard to do so, I still managed to have good times with my lovely cousins. They were there to talk to me and helped me to go through one of the saddest moments of my life.

I looked horrible in the pictures but I've learnt few things about myself when I was there.

I witnessed the amazing sun set the next morning and it brought hope to me that I will be ok one day. :)

I'm reading...

....."Who Moved My Cheese" by Spencer Johnson. My brother gave it to me one fine day.

I think everyone should grab the book and read it religiously. It helps me to change my perception and the way I'm thinking now. It gives me hope that I can make a difference in my life if I know how to look into issues that are part of my growing up life. It teaches me how to make changes and how to want things in my own ways. It teaches me the Law of Attraction, visualising what you want and focus and things start to work out eventually. It teaches me how to not lose strenght and keep trying and accepting any failures as a lesson to be learnt.

Read the book my friends, it helps a lot.
:)

Hehehehe

Let me tell you a little secret..

I have a party to attend tomorrow night. It's the birthday of one of the world's most generous human being I ever known, my big boss, DS.

And tomorrow for the first time in my whole entire life I am going to wear a little black dress I bought last month. hehe

Every girl has little black dress in their closet and I just got mine after all these years and I'm going to put it on me and let my hair down, put on my dancing shoes and waltz the night away.

My first night out wearing a dress. And I feel good about my body. :)

The Weekend

Last weekend my Facebook buddy came down from Dubai and we met in KLCC with my close friend Putri and my sister. We were at Dome cafe from 4pm to 8.45pm chatting and talking about everything.

I was rather quiet while the most talkative ones were of course Putri and my sister. Putri being who she really is was direct about few topics that to me were abit personal. My sister talked about her relationship of course and I was being a listener and laughed at some silly remarks that made about me. I was surprised that my sister could tell 95% of my choise of men! and one stage I was rather embarrased because she kept talking on and on and she was like describing my good friend from Dubai. It was hillarious and we all laughed about it.

We adjourned to Rum Jungle to watch Sky High performed. I always wanted to go to Rum Jungle to listen to Sha-sha, my ex's friend singing and she didn't fail me that night.

I had a good evening with 3 of them and it was like ages I haven't been to KL but it was a worth journey because H, my Iranian friend is cool and the chats were had were fun. We took pictures of course and there were times when H hugged me I had goosebumps and butterflies in my stomach. haha. Maybe because I haven't been hugged that way for a while.

I felt good because I managed to allow that to happen and it means I'm moving on and opening my heart to all possibilities which is good for me rather then feeling sorry about myself.

We had nice lunch the next day and H told me that when I stop questioning about why this and that, that would be the day I am fully recover from the heartbreak. H was right. I don't question that much lately. I'm letting go bit by bit and I feel less heavy in my head. I still carry the memories which I hope can be erased forever soon.

My energy level is ok...and trying to think positive and learn to love myself more which it helps a lot.

I surrender and I'm ok with it. :)

By the power of God and will

I read a lot lately. Mostly on self improvement and those motivational books that can help me to move on after being dumped. Oh yes, I am not ashamed to say that I was dumped.

For the past one month I've been thinking if the failure of the relationship was totally because of me. I was feeling like I had committed the greatest sin during the first week of the break-up but when people tells you that Time Will Heal, I'm telling you they were absofuckinglutely right!

Because it does!

I don't rely on the anti-depression pills anymore. I can sleep well at night. I'm not afraid to go through weekends. I don't feel sad right after working hours. I do go for clubbing with different friends and though he was never out from my mind, I managed not to dwell into it and it makes me feel better.

My energy level is getting higher and those negative vibes are slowly flowing away and I am slowly are in control of myself. I learn to appreciate who I am and I realize that without self respect, I could never be true to myself nor I can love myself to let me be loved by others.

I lied down on the sofa the other day and my parents were sitting at another corner of the living room talking to each other and there were few occasion there were some disagreement among them and I just watched them without hearing what were the topics. I realized that I am so lucky to be able to watch them talking to each other, I am lucky that I can still come home to their open arms. I am thankful that I can talk to them about almost everything and discuss and argue with them and at the end of the day, I am still their daughter and they still love me unconditionally.

So why I cried for someone who doesn't love me? why did I cry for someone who doesn't appreciate me at all? why did I bother to miss someone who never really has the heart for me? why I was so afraid he left me whereas my parents never left me no matter what?

I pulled my horses back one day and pulled my energy back together and work my ass out to justify myself, to honor myself, to love myself and to tell myself that I'm beautiful, no matter what he said. I have so much love from my family and friends and I need to honor and appreciate them.

My life is what I make of it and I am not afraid anymore to be who I am.

Giving Thanks

I've just read something nice and would like to share with you.

"No matter where in the world you call home and whether you traditionally take a day to celebrate the idea of giving thanks, or not -- let this be a reminder to stop and really take time to count your blessing.

Counting your blessings and taking time to appreciate the special people in your life can be done any time, any place, at no financial expenses..and it's truly a gift to yourself, as well as to those you thank."

Simple but strong meaning. And so my dear friends, thank you, for everything. :)

The Decision

I posted a tagline yesterday on how I had to make a career decision by this noon.

I've made the decision yesterday and I just got the result today, just a minute ago. I am over qualified!!! *sigh

It was a Chinese Language course at Beijing Foreigh Studies University in Beijing. This is to facilite the company's expansion of business opportunities in China. It is to educate the company's employees in the language and culture to enable them to liase with businesses in China and comprehend Chinese business practices. It is my ultimate dream to be back in China!!!!! but I AM TOO QUALIFIED as the management put it.

You see, I speak the language fluently with two different dialect. I was based in China for a year and experienced the culture and the people the working environment. So I should give the chance to other colleagues!!! what a total bummer!!! Beijing University is THE university in China. People could commit suicide if they fail to enrol in the university. That's how prestigious the university is!!! *sigh. The company needs someone with low knowledge of the language ONLY!!!!

I think I should propose to be a tutor of Chinese Language to the employees, that would make things even better. A Chinese speaking Malay teaching non chinese speaking Chinese!!!! that's awesome.

Ok, I'll shall propose it now.

Bye Beijing. I'll be back.

Joy

My sister just called me to let me know the Swedish guy she met last week asked her out for a date tonight. She sound like a kid who just got a lollipop from daddy. I am so happy for her and I've met this guy personally, so far he's kind of polite and cool. Aren't all Swedish like that? lol

The word is patient. She suffered a lot. Being foolishly in love with some idiots, played by bastards and I don't want to speak too soon about this Johann guy but I'm thankful that he finally asked her out.

My sister is happy and deep inside me I am happier for her.
Love you Myrna. Always and have fun. :)

Assistant

To those who are worried that I might not concentrate on my work, don't worry about it ok. I have to admit it effected my concentration on my work but I am lucky that I have assistant that I can rely on.

I am at work and no intention of taking any leaves in the near future. I tend to work and work though I don't have my full heart in the office.

I know I might get into hot soup if I don't get a grip but I can assure you that God's willing, I should be ok soon.

Thank you.

A Friend

I met a high school friend this evening. We had a chat and I'm so glad we talked about a lot of things and she helped me to look at things differently and taught me how to handle situations that seems to meet a dead end to me.

She said: 'Deyna, he is having the biggest lost in this break-up because he let someone who loves him so much go.'

Damn I feel good!

Thank you Sin Loy for helping me to bring back my confidence and helping to realize that I am absofuckinglutely a better person.

Cheers. :)

A new beginning and something that never ends

It took me a while to say yes to meet up with the pilot. After the break-up issue with my ex, I am not really ready to see anyone but I know I have to move on.

I went to a speed dating yesterday evening but I didn't go in. I don't see anyone at all and I spent my time with my sister and my best friend, Anna at the opposite site of the venue. Maybe I wasn't ready or perhaps I still believe I can find someone in the old fashion way though it never did me good.

We had wonderful dinner. Just the three of us with so much laughters, cries and most importantly both of them were there for me. While eating I had a phone call from the pilot. He wanted to see me and without any hesitation I said yes. We haven't met for nearly two years. You see, I'm the loyal type, I always knew the pilot likes me a lot but I was in a relationship and I would never do anything to jeopardize the relationship. But last night I realized I'm a free woman and so I said yes.

My heart beats like it never did before, fast and slow at the same time. Maybe I was nervous of seeing him, someone who always has a place in my heart..someone who believes in me and take me as what I am.

We had a nice chat over drinks and I felt that I was missing him all these while. He always there for me whenever I needed someone. He looked just the same as the first time I set my eyes on him. I was still grieving over the break-up with my ex but the pilot made me feel that there are someone else better for me. He just knew his words and the best moment when he hugged me tightly and I can feel so much love from him. I can never have him all by myself. And I'm not going to get into a relationship where I have to share him with his wife. We both have this great mutual understanding that left unspoken, we just knew what we are feeling inside.

I've known him for 5 years. He is always there to comfort me and to make me feel good about myself, something I need from a man. He stayed for two hours and that was the two most beautiful two hours I ever had.

I texted him when he left to thank him for being there for me.

As a true officer and a gentleman, he replied:
"The honor is mine and you looked as beautiful as always."

And with that words, he made me realized that I can love again.

I was taken on a 'ride' in a helli by the major and it doesn't have to involve the sky. :)

Back

I’m not really sure why it took me so long to blog again.

I guess I was just being lazy and tired. I have so much to talk about and of course to dwell about but somehow I just couldn’t penned down anything until today.

I don’t think I want to talk more on my health because I’m tired of it too. Just to update on it, I never failed to take my medicines and my glucose level are quite consistent but when it comes to weekend, the excitement on a roller coaster could not beat the reading of my sugar level. I lost myself or maybe I should say indulged myself in some royal delights. *sigh. .. but I love it.

My sister started to work couple of weeks ago, which is a big relief. Of course she can help in the expenses but most importantly she starts to be active again. Starts to activate the ‘dead brain’ and contribute something to somewhere somehow. She doesn’t like the job but at this point of situation, we have no says in anything.

My brother is getting married, I hope. He and Nicky, his girlfriend are meant to be together, I think. Nicky’s mother adores him to death and of course my brother knows his way to a mom’s heart. Actually that was not quite right, He knows his way to woman’s heart, that is the right quote. I miss him a lot actually. He never really stayed home during the weekend, the only time we can be a real family. Nicky’s father is dead and the only ‘man’ in the family is my brother and so they look up to him a lot in many ways. But me my sister and my brother were close and when he’s no longer there, I feel the emptiness. I don’t even want to try to feel how my father is feeling the changes.

My brother is the only son and from we were young, just like any other fathers, the son is the pride. Once in a while my father talks about my brother but I can see from his reaction that he is trying so hard to accept the facts that my brother is a man himself now and that one day he will go away.

4 of us will always have problems with our mother. I think it happens not only in my family but everywhere in the world. They are adorable and someone we must respect but sometimes they can be ridiculous and at times they can talk so much so that we get headache. But isn’t that what a mother is all about? making sure we are at our best and never repeat her mistakes? My mother can be stubborn too. She is a chronic asthmatic patient but she eats like there’s no tomorrow and we will be nagging at her. I hate to do that but sometimes I wish she knows that we love her so much that we have to do that.

But then again, she tolerated with us when we were kids with all sort of inappropriate behaviors, our sleepless night, our stubbornness, our sickness, our constant demand and many more embarrassing behavior. She never left. Period.

My family is my life.

My Sister's Birthday

26.06.2009 - my sister joined the 30 something group OFFICIALLY!

She had a date, Chris. An Australian working in Damansara whom she met through facebook few months back. Four of us, Chris and my sister, me and my partner, we went to Bar-Celona in Sunway for dinner. It was the first time my sister went out on date after 6 fucking months she broke up with the bastard Pakistani that ruined her life!

We were joined by my very good friend Cindy and her husband Captain Ho, whom paid all the bills that night, my high school friend Fadz and her husband abang Gee. Brad and Mimi, both my good friends too. 10 of us and it was fun. This time around everyone had their partners.


My sister and Chris took the birthday dance to the tune of Bryan Adam's Heaven, which were so romantic and we kept silenced while watching them danced. You see, my sister went through hell with her last boyfriend and those came to the celebration that night were my good friends that were there for her and that night to see her dancing with a new guy brought new hopes for us. At least we saw that she was no longer sitting looking like someone whom had just lost a husband or something.

All ended well. She was happy.
Happy Birthday Myrna. Love you always.

So Long MJ

Micheal Jackson is dead.

I'm still mourning over the lost. What's going on? Gosh he's dead!

My siblings and I had the privilage to watch him live on stage while he performed his first ever concert in Malaysia. I still can recall the excitement and the nervousness while waiting for him to perform. We argued that MJ was looking at one of us! lol.

Music has lost its melody today. The Moonwalker will never walk again. The Criminal will never be Smooth as before. No one can Beat It. Ben has lost its' master. Billie Jeans will regret it for the rest of her life. We Are The World, it doesn't matter if we are Black or White.

That's how The Way You Make Me Feel MJ.

Farewell my King.
Al-Fatihah.

Ready To Take Off

I read the Berita Harian today and saw an interesting article about this Malay girl who flies. No she was not born having wings but she earned it! She's our first ever Malay woman pilot and only 23!

She reminds me of my brother Bob. Bob always wanted to fly planes. But we can't afford to send him to the flying school. Few years back he managed to borrow some money from a spiritual group he joined and they supported him until he got his student flying license. But that was the farest he could go. He tried to get sponsorship from our rich relatives, good friends and everywhere he could. He was not ashamed to tell them his dream and even had a plan on how to pay them once he gets his flying license. I remember he told me one of our relatives spent 2 hours lecturing him on his dream and how much he hold back his anger, his frustration but still put on a smile and listened patiently.

The were few nights I saw him writting something but he won't tell what was that all about. I wanted to know badly because I saw him struggling to write something but he never came to me for help. In our family, I'm the one who likes to write. Not that I'm good but at least I have the ability to express myself freely and willingly. One night he stayed over at a friend's place and I couldn't stopped myself to check his desk and I found few papers with his hand written but the letters has no endings. He was writting to MAS to explain how much he wanted to fly! and not only MAS but Air Asia, SA, Garuda, Qatar, Eitihad! it was an extra personal letter to the recruiter of cadet pilots! that much of determination my brother had to reach his dream.

One day he told me he quits...but he's not giving up. I told him that things happen for reasons and perhaps it is not the right time yet. That was the first time I saw him cried.

He doesn't know this but I am so proud of him and I pray so hard that one day his favorite words will be :

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking."

One day Bob. Insya Allah. :)

Blood Ties

I promised not to dwell again on my sickness but what I am going to write is not a description of the thing I'm suffering from.

You can call me over sensitive or emotional or whatever but this particular incident happened really made me think hard of what exactly lies behind the 'blood' bond we share for the rest of our lives.

I posted a comment in our family group in Facebook called Mat&Esah. The name was taken from our late grandparents' names, Mamat and Esah. It is a close group which means only those related to the two great people can be in the group. All the cousins, nieces, nephews, in laws joined in and we updated about ourselves and sharing some gossips and announcing news and so on. I set up the group because few of us live outside the country and only through one common interest we can be together.

My posting few days ago was about my new found sickness. The reason why I announced it was because I wanted all of them to have a check-up because one of the reasons why I have diabetes is because of genes. I care and love them so much that I don't want them to suffer and to go through a strict 'procedure' to make sure I can still live one more day.

Guess what? no one, I repeat, no one replied! funny isn't it? most of them on Facebook all the time but NO ONE ever said something, not even some support or encouragments. I got one comment/encouragement from my nephew but through other channel and another support through email from my second cousin and both got to know through my blog and my tagline. I have many well wishes and supports from everyone except from my relatives. How sick is that?

Talking about relatives....hmmm.....I can spend days to try to close the chapter. I love them but there are few just totally stuck-up and poyoh! Gosh sometimes I feel like just choke them and move on. Some are snobbish and the snobbish ones are not the wealthiest one. If you know my family, you know what I'm talking about. Some think they have perfect family with adorable children(yuks!), some think they earn good enough to feel they are totally better than others, some are spoilt, some having big mouths, some having brains of a 5 years old kid and some just simply annoying.

Imagine I have a 27years old cousin who had 3 wives! of course divorced, married, divorce, married and now he is going to marry the 3rd one and she's just the same, pain the the bloody fucking ass! a divorcee! not because she is a divorcee that I don't like her but the attitude of leaving your children with the maid while you are out having fun with that idiot cousin of mine ALL THE TIME?? She's asking RM2,000 per month from the stupid cousin and he said ok. My cousin is a car salesman ONLY. Get the picture?

Oh another cousin, he's 50 years old. Divorce for a very long time and finally found a single 38 years old girl, never been married and they plan to do so end of the year. Best part? she asked for RM10,000 as dowry and my ever stupid motherfucker cousin said yes and you know what he does for living? Pembakar Sate. Listen, Pembakar Sate, not owner of that Sate shop! and he can't even pay for his son's medical bill that cost only RM100! Now RM10,000 and ok? Worst part, they both are my dad's nephew and being the only boy in his family, all my aunties look up to my dad and my dad is 67 and how much can he handle stuff?

My parents constantly busy on these two idiot matters coz my aunties always updating news and I hate it. The damn fuckers have their family and my dad has his own and that always cost my dad having headache and stress and I hate it!

I slowly distant myself from the relatives. Many of them are so fake and very kaki mengampu. This from my mom's side. I can't watch anymore those dramas. It makes me wanna puke.

The Pilot

The pilot called me today.

He called last Thursday but the phone was cut off but he called me today!!! we spoke for a while on what had happened to me and he was ever very supportive and always know how to talk to me.

I met him some 5 years ago, at a golf club. Then I met him again at the club near the golf club. He was always with Captain R. I was very reserved that time and the most I dare to do in a club was smile and nothing more. And so we smile and smile for weeks until one day he came to say Hi.

I was with my ex best friend and she always the friendlier one. She talked to the pilot all the time from that day onwards and everytime I looked at them talking, I saw the pilot's eyes always on me and always managed to squeeze a quick smile while listening to my friend talking.

I must admit he is a very attractive guy. I must say that he's my kind of guy. Tall, fair, small eyes, very steady, secure, cool and brilliant profession. But there's only 1 thing that stopped me from imagining myself being beside him....I'll tell you later.

Our 'relationship' progressed gradually and slowly and I love every minute of it. He is not the type that very impatient or those typical Malay guys that like to show off. Maybe the age factor plays an important role in this. He's very cool and we sort of have that mutual understanding between us. He always says the right thing at the right time. He was so supportive of me when I was in China. Constantly asking if I was ok. Even at certain extend he helped me financially. I never asked but he just knew I was having difficult time and he just came and be the silent hero.

We don't talk all the time or meet up all the time but most of the time if any of us wished to see each other, we will make time for that. We don't even have any sexual experiences with each other though it's so tempting and being a Pilot, oh mind you, he was a Fighter Pilot, not commercial pilot, with that kind of built, who could resist? ok ok I'm only human and I have desire too alright? but nothing happened between us. Nothing more then sitting closely and enjoying each other companies.

He called to ask if I'm doing ok and how I'm dealing with the 'new life'. He said he'll make some time for me next week to see me. The last time I met him? hmm...2 years ago. Since I came back from China for good, I never really have the chance to see him. I did wait for him last month in Subang but he was tied up with something that could not be avoided and so I left.

I don't know what to expect but I do know I miss him so much. I miss the way he teasing me, the way he advices me, the way he hugs me and the way he looked at me without uttering a word. We never said out our feelings, we just knew. :) The feeling is so good. But I know my limit and I'm a woman.

I would devote my life for him if I can..

..if only he's not a married man.

The Dress

This is my favourite dress. My all time favorite! I don't care if anyone think it's old fashion or whatsoever! I've been dreaming of having and wearing it one day and I think with this bloody strict diet I'm going through, my dream will come true! yeah babeh!

The color is perfect, the handbag just so cool and it looks so vintage!

One day Drew...one sweet day I'll wear that with a better hairstyle! yours is kind of strange. Sorry girlfriend. huhuhuhu

Enuff

I decided not to blog on my sickness and medication and my doctors anymore. Enough said and it's now going through healing process. Period.

My sister had a date yesterday in Bangsar. Chris is an Aussie she met through Facebook. He asked her out few months back but cancelled at the last minute because of religion differences. I was like WTF! You don't get married right away after first date do you? total bummer!!! My sister was devastated and I felt like choking this downunder bastard for hurting my sister.

One day he started to talk to my sister again and on and on and yesterday finally they met up face to face. Funny thing was that my partner and I sent her to Starbuck and we sat accross the street in a club named D'Haven and I could see her straight!! My partner, G, was mumbling about I was being too over protective and my sister is going to be 30 soon! G was right but that's my only sister darling!

We waited for her to finish at Mango Mania. D'Haven became D'Hell and so we went to the small restaurant that full with mangos! seriously no joke! whatever you order from this place u surely gonna get mango! even if it means only 1cm in size, you WILL get mango! G had Mango smoothies that came with of course slices of mango, corn flakes and strawberries....and I had to have few scoop to make sure it was good for G...hahahaha....and that contributed to my 12.8 sugar level that night! *sigh

My sister was happy and I guess Chris realized that my sister is much bigger than her name that he stayed longer than he should.

I'm glad she started to live up again. I hate it that the idiot Paki is constantly in her mind. But with yesterday's date, I wish upon a star that she will come to her senses that she deserves better than what she had.

The Rheumatologist, The Neurologist, The Gynaecologist and The Hand Physician

I have Carpal Tunnel and a surgery to remove it will be on the 4th of July.

But that is not the only thing I found out from the medical world...

My glucose level is 26 and for normal people it should be not more than 6! Dr. Ravendran wanted to admit me immediately but due to a very important training tomorrow in the headquarters, I have to decline the 'invitation' and go for the training that will help me to progress to higher level in my career. My career is my life and I need the extra knowledge to earn more and that is my highest priority. And so my dear doctor arranged for a therapy on Friday and I have to have many many dates with he dietician. You see, I have diabetes!

And that's not all...

I always have period problem. I had an operation a year ago as I mentioned in my previous post. I still don't get my regular period. No I'm not pregnant. I hardly been with a man. My gynea told me that I have a thin ovary. The eggs supposedly grow to 16mm everytime it's near menstrual time does not happen to me. It grows only 6mm and therefore nothing could burst out and no blood is coming out from anyway in the area of my woman world. Maybe the doctor was right, I am never a complete woman. :( more blood test and today alone 3 blood test to find the caused everything that are not right in my beautiful body.

I'm just 35 this year end. All these happen to me at this age?

I met 4 specialist today. I spent most of my time in the hospital. Luckily my sister came and at last my dear boyfriend came to join us.

I have to change my life style from now on. NO regular food and drinks that I was religiously consumed all these years.

I decided to be strict to myself from now on. It's not a minor problem I'm facing.

My family needs me. I'm the bread winner in this family. I was lectured by my dad just now and it doesn't make me feel better of course.

I decided to go through whatever the doctors asked me to do and I'll do it for myself. Not for others.

I think it's time for me to take care of myself. I've been betraying myself far too long.

Good night.

The Body

For the past 4 months I have been having problems with my hand, the right one especially. I could not lift anything and can't even open the door lock with feeling any pain. I remember driving my family to our hometown 1 month ago when suddenly my right hand became numb. I was so worry that it will caused danger to my family members that were asleep at that time that I decided to see the specialist.

I had an operation exactly a year ago. I had a cyst in my ovary and after the operation I was on medication until last month. I had few japs that were so painful that I was not ashamed to cry. The OP went well and my doctor said I'm as normal as any other women(duhh, was I not before?). Anyway, due to the medications I have to take every 3 months, I was wondering if it affected my other parts of the body.

I went to SJMC for the routine check up and told my lovely doctor about the numb thing and she arranged for an appointment with a Rheumatologist. The soft spoken doctor suspected that I might having this problem due to my constant typing on the computer but at the same time he wasn't happy with the level of my C Reactive Protein(CRP). For normal people, the CPR is below 6 but mine is 20! It means I have inflammations in side my body somewhere! He did another blood test to detect if I'm suffering from Rheumatoid Arthritis(RA). I was panicked. I mean I'm still young and I need these hands to bring food for the family! *sigh

I got the result yesterday and alhamdullilah it was negative. But it doesn't solve the problem. Then he broke the news. He is quite confident that I have problem with nerves! OMG! My eldest aunty is bed-ridden because of it, my another aunty is suffering from it and can hardly walk without a tongkat and now me? why me? My doctor arranged for me to meet with a Neurologist for further check up and to conduct few test before they can proceed with the treatment and the appointment is tomorrow morning.

When my gynae diagnosed me of suffering from Endometriosis, I was shocked but quite calmed but when Dr. Davendran the Rheumatologist mentioned about the nerves thing, I almost fainted. I am a strong girl, inside and out and the only thing that can make me weak is something happen in my family but this time it's me! why I can't be strong and calm as I used to be? I didn't tell anyone, not even to my sister who is the closest to me that tomorrow's appointment is bothering me so much that I think my heart beats as fast as the bullet train.

I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow but I know whatever the result going to be, I have to face it by myself.

I'm going alone tomorrow. My boyfriend doesn't even mentioned to accompany me and I am not going to ask for the help or mention about it. Besides, we die alone too.

Good nite.

It starts with A

At last I made it.

My own blog! Not that millions will read it but I'm proud that I finally have the guts to get started with it. I've been delaying far too long and too many times. I don't know why. I mean I love to write and I have so many things to tell and share with others. My experiences going through this short life can actually put into books! Or maybe I was just so scared to voice out my thoughts and too afraid if someone judges me negatively. But I guess I'm okay with it now.

So here I am. I will start to write as often as I can and share my daily life and my experiences with everyone.
Cheers!